He turns, then, to stub out his cigarette butt, and this is what goes through his head: How seriously to take this. How literally. Whether he is okay with this. Wondering, suddenly, about Leo's cheery profession of disinterest in material things while standing in his giant house full of material things--could he have been seeing what it took to get Adam to believe him instead of his own eyes? Or taking the cigarette out of his hands and replacing it with his own. He said it was because he didn't like menthol--no, Adam assumed it was because he didn't like menthol, and Leo went along with it. Why, then? Memories of Lucifer. Lots and lots of memories of Lucifer, actually, and he freezes for a very long minute halfway through rubbing his butt in the ashtray, frozen perfectly still, fighting to bring himself back to the present and to breathe, fucking BREATHE. When he finally gets his airway open again, he turns back.
"Okay. I'm--" His voice cracks, and he shuts his eyes, cursing himself internally. He takes a deep breath, orders himself, and tries again.
"Okay. I'm gonna take everything you've said at face value." He runs his hand through his hair and looks Leo straight in the eyes, now, voice reflecting nothing but calm. "Which is a pretty big assumption for somebody who says they've been officially diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, but I think as a friend you've earned the benefit of the doubt." Adam had a year in college before he was killed, and an Intro to Psych course was definitely in there--he'd heard the term before. And yes, he did just say friend.
"And I'm going to be totally honest with you in return." Looking and sounding intensely serious. "Someone who pulled you away from jail time and possibly a psych ward in order for you to kill for them? They're enabling your illness in order to use you, and I hope you realize that." He clasps his hands together with his index fingers pointed down, like he's pointing to something on the coffee table--he's not--and looks him straight in the eye.
"You want me to say I'm okay with that. --Okay, maybe you just want to know if I am. Either way." He brings his hands back to himself, clasped loosely, elbows resting on his knees. "I'm your friend, Leo. That's not going to change, I'll tell you that right now."
He shifts a little in his chair. "But as your friend, I'm going to tell you the full truth, and to do that, I'm not going to answer as your friend.
"Is it okay? Is it okay to continue to violently hurt other people for whatever reason, but in particular your stated reason as an outlet for your feelings; to make yourself feel better? Is that okay?
"I answer that question as a victim of rape and torture and abuse: no, that is not okay."
no subject
"Okay. I'm--" His voice cracks, and he shuts his eyes, cursing himself internally. He takes a deep breath, orders himself, and tries again.
"Okay. I'm gonna take everything you've said at face value." He runs his hand through his hair and looks Leo straight in the eyes, now, voice reflecting nothing but calm. "Which is a pretty big assumption for somebody who says they've been officially diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, but I think as a friend you've earned the benefit of the doubt." Adam had a year in college before he was killed, and an Intro to Psych course was definitely in there--he'd heard the term before. And yes, he did just say friend.
"And I'm going to be totally honest with you in return." Looking and sounding intensely serious. "Someone who pulled you away from jail time and possibly a psych ward in order for you to kill for them? They're enabling your illness in order to use you, and I hope you realize that." He clasps his hands together with his index fingers pointed down, like he's pointing to something on the coffee table--he's not--and looks him straight in the eye.
"You want me to say I'm okay with that. --Okay, maybe you just want to know if I am. Either way." He brings his hands back to himself, clasped loosely, elbows resting on his knees. "I'm your friend, Leo. That's not going to change, I'll tell you that right now."
He shifts a little in his chair. "But as your friend, I'm going to tell you the full truth, and to do that, I'm not going to answer as your friend.
"Is it okay? Is it okay to continue to violently hurt other people for whatever reason, but in particular your stated reason as an outlet for your feelings; to make yourself feel better? Is that okay?
"I answer that question as a victim of rape and torture and abuse: no, that is not okay."